The Weight of Distance

Suddenly, smiling feels criminal,
A guilt that tightens the throat,
As my heart rots and beats erratically.
I marinate in sadness, my chest constricted,
Thinking of you, Dadaji, now gone.

I should have called more often,
Spoken more words across the distance.
Maybe my voice could have been
A spark in your tired body,
A whisper of energy from your youth.

Time slipped between my fingers
While I stared blankly, wondering
How to care for family an ocean away.
Their tears overflowing through video calls:
"Take a last look-he's gone forever."

How do you react when your father breaks?
When the man who taught strength
Crumbles before your eyes?
How do you support the pillar
When its foundation has crumbled?

There's some peace in knowing your suffering ended-Bed-ridden, 
Parkinson's claiming your mobility,
Yet even then, your charm shone through,
Those moments of one liners making everyone laugh,
Now silenced forever.

I picture you alone in that room,
While the house emptied each day,
Women to housework, men to offices,
Children to schools and tutors,
And you, waiting, always waiting.

I remember your hallucinations,
Assassins descending from ceilings,
Religious processions you yearned to join
While the street remained silent as your voice is today.

His backstory more painful than a suffering protagonist,
The false imprisonment, Grandmother fleeing with sons,
Her strength during daylight, her tears in letters at night.
Your rigid mind seeking absolution
In patterns only you could see.

You faced life's cruelties with calm and smiles.
I wish I'd listened more to your stories,
Learned the lessons written in your wrinkles,
Treasured the wisdom in your weathered hands.

Tears hover perpetually at the edge of my vision.
I worry for Grandmother, your wife of seventy-five years,
Battling her demons while mourning yours.
Life is so cruel, my paralysed and forgetful grandma now suffers the loss of her hero everyday.
What compass guides her now that you're gone?

For me, this is the hard reset-
A testament to connections neglected.
Grief comes in waves across seven seas,
Random bursts of tears with no shoulders nearby.

This is my journey to become strongest
When I must one day stand at my father's funeral.
I stand alone now, but clearer than ever:
Family will always be my North Star.

No matter what oceans separate us,
No matter what time steals away,
In my mind, body, and spirit-
I am coming home.